GRUNION: Small New England town "all-but destroyed" by "Hellfire-and-damnation" sermon

by Trevor N. Deavor
BATTLE HYMN STATION, N.H.-- When Rev. Ken G. Domcome moved to this idyllic community last month he had a mission to "set the town on fire for God."
Last Sunday, he -- and the town -- got more than they bargained for.
"I sort of engineered a 'fire from heaven' demonstration," Domcome said. "I got the idea from an old country pastor from my childhood."
According to the young minister, the idea was to duplicate one of the many miracles of Elijah (1 Kings 18) in which the prophet had a sacrifice to God, telling the local people to cover it with water multiple times.
"Essentially, Elijah and some worshippers of the fire god Baal were competing for bragging rights," Domcome said from his hospital bed.  "The Baal-worshippers were trying to call upon their god to consume their sacrifices with fire."
Domcome's nurse assisted the pastor with a sip of water before he continued.
"So Elijah is really trolling them, saying maybe their god was asleep or what not," Domcome said. "Then Elijah asks then to pour water on his sacrifice. I simulated the water with about a gallon of lighter fluid."
Domcome said the crowd watched intently as he climbed a ladder and then hurled a "match from Heaven" onto the fuel-doused prime rib.
The resulting explosive conflagration was much greater than anyone expected. People from the first three rows were treated for lacerations (the "altar" was a glass baking dish) and first- and second-degree burns. Domcome's Elijah costume (which had received some minor back-splashing from the accelerants) also burst into flames, causing Domcome's ladder to tip over, spilling him into the choir loft, which served as a hymnal storage area.
Associate/Youth Pastor George Willoughby-Dunn said that as soon as the choir loft went up in flames, "that sanctuary emptied faster than after a long sermon on Superbowl Sunday! In other words, faster than it did the last time the Patriots were in the Superbowl."
The flames did not stop there, however.
The fire quickly spread to several surrounding buildings.
Before it was over, two-thirds of the town's buildings were either destroyed or damaged. Total damages are estimated to be nearly $20 Million.
"Next time, I'll have a fire extinguisher for my sermon," Domcome said.

Rare "Jesus Gull" Performs "Miracles"

by Dereck Alito
Bangorzanmash, ME--
What started as a frustrating last meal for Martha McCatskill turned into something that was nothing short of miraculous.
McCatskill, one of the world's seven licensed and certified "Seagullogists" (a scientist specializing in the biology sociology of seagulls,) suffered a mishap at her work site.
"I was at a remote location studying how gulls interact with Caspian Terns," McCatskill said. "We'd just gotten back from McDonald's with two of the 2-for-$5 Filet-o-Fish sandwiches to share with a colleague."
The colleague in question is McCatskill's roomate Cindy Peck-Vogel, the world's only licensed and certified Caspianternologist. Peck-Vogel, (who used her employee discount at McDonald'sI) is working in conjunction with McCatskill on a comprehensive book (Tern for the Worst) about gull-tern relations.
"Martha had just unwrapped her sandwich, and a huge gust of wind caught her just right in the windbreaker," Peck-Vogel said. "Her arms billowed out like a scarecrow, and her sandwich went flying."
McCatskill picks up the story (but not the sandwich.)
"It landed in what had to be about a year's worth of goose poop," McCatskill said. "No way I was eating that."
According to both bird-lovers, "about four- no- five thousand seagulls" converged on the sandwich.
"But before they could make it a Filet-o-Fish Free-for-all, the crowd became completely calm... completely tranquil," McCatskill said. "Then this bird, kind of a hybrid between a seagull and a Caspian tern, makes its way through the crowd, and walks right up to the sandwich."
According to both women, the bird appeared to "bless" the food.
"Then it started breaking up the sandwich and sharing it with everyone there," Peck-Vogel said. "Every bird got its fill, and there were twelve piles of sandwich left over."
"Then, while the other birds were floating on the water, this one walked," McCatskill said
Both parties were too shocked to snap pictures with their cell phones.
In the end, McCatskill used her own employee discount to replace her lunch.