An open letter to the President about smuggling

To Donald J. Trump

President-Elect, United States of America

1600 Pennsylvania Ave

Washington, DC

Dear sir,

As a concerned American citizen, I feel it important to bring a crisis to your attention. This crisis is of great import, and potentially affects the lives of every single man, woman, child and litigant in this great nation.

It has come to my attention that potentially MILLIONS of exotic creatures could be getting smuggled into -- and subsequently trafficked in -- the United States of America. This smuggling is being performed with the aid of so-called "Smart Phones" using cellular technology as a cover for the illicit schemes.

Millions of Americans travel abroad each year, and many of them play the popular "Augmented Reality" game called Pokémon Go by Niantic Labs. When they travel abroad, they get the opportunity to catch "regionally exclusive" creatures (some of which, I hear,  are named after SHINTO DEMONS (please ask VP Pence what a demon is.))

These "regional exclusive" creatures are then forced into a gruesome pit-fighting scenario, either beating American-born creatures, or being used to taunt American players by defending "gyms." (Please ask former POTUS Barack Obama what a gym is.)

These illegal border crossings occur each day without ANY border declarations! These sinister creatures are hiding in the cell phones of jet-setting nerds all over the country.

It pains me to explain to my seven year old grandson why his Pidgey got sent home by a Heracross or a Tropius.

Something must be done! We need to increase border security with guards who can recognize these creatures and know the threat. Perhaps the captured Pokémon can be stored with the immigrant children to keep them entertained?

Thank you in advance for your consideration.

Sincerely,

A concerned citizen

Texas Chapters of U.S. RedCross to offer new, faith-based CPR Course

By Sarah N. Getty

POLITICAL CONTRIBUTOR--

Fort Worth, TX- Emboldened by recent political events, the states of Texas and Florida introduced new CPR classes made available through the US Red Cross starting immediately.

TPCPR (Thoughts-and-Prayers Cardio Pulmonary Resuscitation) curriculum had been in the works for nearly two decades in Texas.

Stephen Crossman, former pastor of a small non-denominational pentecostal church,  Faith, Faith and more Faith, said he got the idea when somebody in his congregation had congestive heart failure during a particularly rousing sermon in September of 2017.

"It was beautiful to see," He said, wiping back tears. "Everybody near brother Ralph immediately laid hands on him and began praying. An older lady named Sister Gladys immediately started trying to cast out the demon of heart failure from Ralph."
Ralph Herzog, then-77, had tried to come forward for healing when he collapsed on a fellow parishioner.

"Ultimately, it turns out that the Lord wanted to take Brother Ralph home. That actually happens a lot," Crossman said. "But that day, the seed was planted, and I knew I had a new calling."

Crossman left the ministry in the capable hands of his youth pastor Jimmy McGriff (see related article: Youth Pastor turned Pastor Arrested on Child Exploitation Charges, Fort Worth Picayune, Nov. 8, 2017.)

The retired pastor drafted a curriculum and immediately started pitching it to local aid agencies.

"You could see the devil's fingerprints in all of the rejections I received," he said. "But my faith could not be shaken, and I knew that I was called to do this.

"I sold my house as a show of faith and my sincerity, and I knew I was doing the right thing because the devil enticed my wife to leave me, taking the kids."

Crossman said,  "When you receive resistance like that, you know you are making progress."
Crosman began working on jobs while he continued to pursue his new curriculum and tried to pitch it to all sorts of different aid agencies. After the 2020 election, it became even more difficult.

"Satan's endorsement of Joe Biden, and that ***** he selected for his vice president was further proof that I was trying to make progress doing the Lord's work," Crossman said. "The more headwind, the more resistance, the more difficulties you face, the more you know that you are doing the things for God the way God wants you to do them. Only Satan would try to hold you back."
But with the reelection of the 45th president, Crossman, now living in his car, knew his time had come.

"I messaged the president-elect on Truly Social, and he responded, " Crossman said.  "He said he wants me to implement my curriculum immediately and got me in touch with the US RedCross in Dallas. Then he said he wants me to work with RFK junior to implement sweeping changes."

So Crossman packed up his car, filled out with gas, and he's on his way.

"Maybe that deadbeat can finally pay Child support," Bethany Withers, Crossman's former wife said. 

BUSINESS: New 'MICROCROCK' Microwave Crock Pot hits market

by Lance Boyle
Business Editor
Denver, CO--Just in time for the holidays, every clueless husband's dream has come true, at least according to a small appliance manufacturer here.
"The RevelCo MICROCROCK (tm) will revolutionize home cooking," RevelCo president Tom Mayto said today. "Slow-cooking your meal can be done in minutes instead of hours!"
According to Mayto, every husband will want to get this for his wife for Christmas, because typically every husband never knows what to get his wife for Christmas.
"This is so idiot-proof that even after those poor saps and give one to their wives for Christmas, they can use the MICROCROCK themselves, because the wife will probably kick them out of the house," he said. "Everyone knows wives want jewelry and 4K TVs."
RevelCo is looking to Stage a comeback after their disastrous combination of rice cooker and toaster oven last Christmas.
"We're still hurting from the class-action suits  on that product," corporate attorney Ray Kitover said. "And we did that one to make up for the suits from the combination waffle iron/deep fryers from the year before."
Based on Black Friday sales figures, RevelCo will either rebound or be destroyed by future suits.

SCIENCE: Daylight Savings and Loan scandal rocks Alaskan community

by Trevor N. Deavor
Science Correspondent
Juneau, AK--Alaskan residents were shocked and angered when they discovered the entirety of their Daylight Savings had been squandered, leaving them in darkness for another long winter.

"This is complete bull***t," Juneau resident (and deputy mayor) Kevin Troutman said, carefully counting to make sure he had spoken the correct number of asterisks. "We paid good money for that g**damned motherf******g bank to build those solar panels! Wait. That was one too many asterisks in there, wasn't there? F***!"

The bull***t in question was the opening last spring of the All-Alaska Daylight Savings and Loan in downtown Juneau.

Troutman is standing in front of the now-abandoned building. He said he was there to start making "daylight withdrawals."

According to a brochure found in the abandoned DS&L's parking lot, the bank is a subsidiary of Daylight Savings Bank and Credit Card Services. It opened "Daylight Collection Centers" in the six largest cities in Alaska (or "three more Alaskan cities than 99-percent of Americans can name,") with the stated "purpose of collecting sunlight for proper redistribution in the winter."

"What about the kids?" Juneau resident Keta Salmonberg (and city comptroller) asked. "We did this for the kids! There's babies that'll be born today that won't see sunlight until April!"

At press time Daylight Savings Bank and Credit Services was unavailable for contact.

The city of Juneau has called an emergency meeting for next Thursday to consider returning to their original plans for animal sacrifices to get sunlight.

GRUNION: Small New England town "all-but destroyed" by "Hellfire-and-damnation" sermon

by Trevor N. Deavor
BATTLE HYMN STATION, N.H.-- When Rev. Ken G. Domcome moved to this idyllic community last month he had a mission to "set the town on fire for God."
Last Sunday, he -- and the town -- got more than they bargained for.
"I sort of engineered a 'fire from heaven' demonstration," Domcome said. "I got the idea from an old country pastor from my childhood."
According to the young minister, the idea was to duplicate one of the many miracles of Elijah (1 Kings 18) in which the prophet had a sacrifice to God, telling the local people to cover it with water multiple times.
"Essentially, Elijah and some worshippers of the fire god Baal were competing for bragging rights," Domcome said from his hospital bed.  "The Baal-worshippers were trying to call upon their god to consume their sacrifices with fire."
Domcome's nurse assisted the pastor with a sip of water before he continued.
"So Elijah is really trolling them, saying maybe their god was asleep or what not," Domcome said. "Then Elijah asks then to pour water on his sacrifice. I simulated the water with about a gallon of lighter fluid."
Domcome said the crowd watched intently as he climbed a ladder and then hurled a "match from Heaven" onto the fuel-doused prime rib.
The resulting explosive conflagration was much greater than anyone expected. People from the first three rows were treated for lacerations (the "altar" was a glass baking dish) and first- and second-degree burns. Domcome's Elijah costume (which had received some minor back-splashing from the accelerants) also burst into flames, causing Domcome's ladder to tip over, spilling him into the choir loft, which served as a hymnal storage area.
Associate/Youth Pastor George Willoughby-Dunn said that as soon as the choir loft went up in flames, "that sanctuary emptied faster than after a long sermon on Superbowl Sunday! In other words, faster than it did the last time the Patriots were in the Superbowl."
The flames did not stop there, however.
The fire quickly spread to several surrounding buildings.
Before it was over, two-thirds of the town's buildings were either destroyed or damaged. Total damages are estimated to be nearly $20 Million.
"Next time, I'll have a fire extinguisher for my sermon," Domcome said.

Rare "Jesus Gull" Performs "Miracles"

by Dereck Alito
Bangorzanmash, ME--
What started as a frustrating last meal for Martha McCatskill turned into something that was nothing short of miraculous.
McCatskill, one of the world's seven licensed and certified "Seagullogists" (a scientist specializing in the biology sociology of seagulls,) suffered a mishap at her work site.
"I was at a remote location studying how gulls interact with Caspian Terns," McCatskill said. "We'd just gotten back from McDonald's with two of the 2-for-$5 Filet-o-Fish sandwiches to share with a colleague."
The colleague in question is McCatskill's roomate Cindy Peck-Vogel, the world's only licensed and certified Caspianternologist. Peck-Vogel, (who used her employee discount at McDonald'sI) is working in conjunction with McCatskill on a comprehensive book (Tern for the Worst) about gull-tern relations.
"Martha had just unwrapped her sandwich, and a huge gust of wind caught her just right in the windbreaker," Peck-Vogel said. "Her arms billowed out like a scarecrow, and her sandwich went flying."
McCatskill picks up the story (but not the sandwich.)
"It landed in what had to be about a year's worth of goose poop," McCatskill said. "No way I was eating that."
According to both bird-lovers, "about four- no- five thousand seagulls" converged on the sandwich.
"But before they could make it a Filet-o-Fish Free-for-all, the crowd became completely calm... completely tranquil," McCatskill said. "Then this bird, kind of a hybrid between a seagull and a Caspian tern, makes its way through the crowd, and walks right up to the sandwich."
According to both women, the bird appeared to "bless" the food.
"Then it started breaking up the sandwich and sharing it with everyone there," Peck-Vogel said. "Every bird got its fill, and there were twelve piles of sandwich left over."
"Then, while the other birds were floating on the water, this one walked," McCatskill said
Both parties were too shocked to snap pictures with their cell phones.
In the end, McCatskill used her own employee discount to replace her lunch.

Best-selling author Stephen King revealed to be 87 year old great grandmother from Southern California

by Ivan Ideear
OXNARD, Calif.-- Everything you knew about your favorite horror fiction author is wrong. (Unless your favorite horror fiction author is Dean Koontz, and then ultimately you may be wrong.)
Millions of horror-fantasy fans were shocked on Saturday when it was revealed that "Stephen King" is the pen name for an 87-year old great grandmother who lives in Southern California.
"I mostly started out writing children's books, " said Bertha Granderson, sittting in the living room of her humble 2-bedroom rambler in Oxnard. "But once the editors got ahold of them, whew-eee did they ever get ahold of them."
Granderson said she had no idea what was happening to her works. But once she saw the edited copy of her first novel, she realized she didn't want her children and grandchildren to think she was obsessed with horrible things. She requested that the publisher change her name to something regal.
Stephen King was the name upon which they finally agreed.
"Christine? That was a 30-page book about a picnic in a grandfather's classic car," she said.  "Green Mile? That was about a picnic in a nature preserve."
Granderson said that the Dark Tower series was probably her most challenging work, stating the books were loosely based upon the Chronicles of Narnia series.
"When I wrote It! I had this idea about several children on a camping trip near a mine shaft," she said. "It gets scary because they tell spooky ghost stories."
Granderson said the two books that most-closely resembled her original manuscripts are Misery (an author having a picnic with his biggest fan ) and 11.22.1963, which was about the birth of her youngest son, (the timing of which coincided with the Kennedy assassination.)
Granderson said she isn't ready to hang up the quill just yet.
"I'm pretty sure I've got a few more stories left in me," she said. "There's one about a picnic at an old abandoned carnival site. I'm sure that'll be good. And I think I'm going to do one about two groups of people having a picnic in the Antarctic."
Granderson added with a cackle that the latter would be a "real chiller."
But what of the man whose photos have graced the covers of your favorite fantasy/horror/thrillers?
Leonard Patrick DuFrense-Ackley is a Maine resident whose image was selected from several hundred "Stephen King Candidates."
DuFrense-Ackley, a self-published novelist in his own right, said he hopes this "big reveal" will help boost his own book sales.
You can find DuFrense-Ackley's novels on Amazon or his home page on Smashwords.
King/Granderson's newest novel Death Picnic will reach bookshelves in October.