by Trevor N. Deavor
Science Correspondent
Juneau, AK--Alaskan residents were shocked and angered when they discovered the entirety of their Daylight Savings had been squandered, leaving them in darkness for another long winter.
"This is complete bull***t," Juneau resident (and deputy mayor) Kevin Troutman said, carefully counting to make sure he had spoken the correct number of asterisks. "We paid good money for that g**damned motherf******g bank to build those solar panels! Wait. That was one too many asterisks in there, wasn't there? F***!"
The bull***t in question was the opening last spring of the All-Alaska Daylight Savings and Loan in downtown Juneau.
Troutman is standing in front of the now-abandoned building. He said he was there to start making "daylight withdrawals."
According to a brochure found in the abandoned DS&L's parking lot, the bank is a subsidiary of Daylight Savings Bank and Credit Card Services. It opened "Daylight Collection Centers" in the six largest cities in Alaska (or "three more Alaskan cities than 99-percent of Americans can name,") with the stated "purpose of collecting sunlight for proper redistribution in the winter."
"What about the kids?" Juneau resident Keta Salmonberg (and city comptroller) asked. "We did this for the kids! There's babies that'll be born today that won't see sunlight until April!"
At press time Daylight Savings Bank and Credit Services was unavailable for contact.
The city of Juneau has called an emergency meeting for next Thursday to consider returning to their original plans for animal sacrifices to get sunlight.
